Superheroes are important to the revolution

Ok, so superheroes aren’t really important to the revolution. And basically, I think the whole idea of heroes is a load of crap. Everyone has the power to be the best they can be, just some of us do it and others don’t. Lately, however, I’ve been thinking about my friends as superheroes. Just who are the Unmentionable superheroes? Here’s what I’ve come up with:

M., my illustrious husband, would be Super Reference Man. I’ve actually already dubbed him Mikelikus, god of research. This could be his other name. He’s a librarian and he can pretty much find anything I need to know. Knowing where to find information is a very important part of the revolution. His supplemental superpower would be reading and folding maps and being able to calm down the high strung superheroes when they get upset.

A., my illustrious partner in crime and belly dancer would be Useless Trivia Girl. Who says that all knowledge has to be useful? All knowledge is power and why should useless knowledge be any less powerful. Her other superpowers would include taking criminals down using an intricate mix of belly dancing and Krav Maga. She would also be able to read at the speed of light. This would be a useful skill in conjunction with Super Reference Man. She would also be able to cook with her mind and write grants to help fund the revolution.

P., a fabulous all around guy whom I adore, would be the Naked Furnace Salesman.This may seem useless, but think of how distracting it would be to a criminal. Picture this: a guy from Wisconsin comes in to your lair to sell you some duct work and…..he’s naked. Sounds like a done deal to me. And it could be a lucrative way to fund the revolution. His supplemental powers would include making vegan smoothies to feed revolutionaries, locating co-ops and being able to break any computer just by staring at it long enough.

J., a total nut whom I adore, would be Useless Degree Man. (To be fair, J. is currently working on a degree that will be useful, but has several that have not been so far.) He would be kind of like Useless Trivia Girl, but he would write papers to send to people about why we are participating in the revolution. He would do this in a Hunter S. Thompson fashion so he would scare the crap out of anyone who would dare to stop us. His extra powers include being able to break windows and beer bottles with his head. He can vomit on couches in a single bound.

C., great friend from college, would be Psychotherapy Man. He would do psychological profiles on the criminals so we would know how best to defeat them. His extra powers include blacksmithing, inventing useful gadgets, home improvement and being able to eat large quantities of anything inedible.

What would my superpower be? Well, I would be Useless Memory Girl. I can remember almost anything that is completely useless. Ask me what I ate for dinner 10 years ago at a restaurant in Omaha during Spring Break and I could tell you. As me where I bought a pair of shoes, I can tell you where, what year and how much I paid for them. Fortunately this power also translates well to people. I have a knack for remembering names and phone numbers and pointless details about any situation. This could benefit us if we needed to remember who we met at a party and could help us locate fellow revolutionaries. My extra powers would include getting really, really angry when I can’t remember things…this could freak out criminals…and I would drive the car of the Unmentionables, which would be some sort of super fuel efficient Honda hybrid large enough to fit all of us. I am the only member of the Unmentionables who has taken an evasive driving course – in my mind. During the day I would work as a continuity expert for the movie industry and be a stunt car driver.

So, I think that’s a pretty good group. With a little effort I think we can be successful. I’ll see if I can think of anymore to add. Maybe I’ll even think of crimes for us to fight! Woah, that would be a step in the right direction.