Hunting Blog
I went hunting with Dick Cheney and all I got was this lousy gunshot wound.
Ok, so that's old news. You know what is new news....blogger has lost my fucking post twice now. ARG!!!!! What the hell. It was about a fish. What is so wrong with a fish. He's not a terrorist - he lacks ambition. He won't even go to the top of the tank to eat. He's a total snowboarder slacker fish.
Michael thinks it was because of my mention of Mr. Lasso. Well, I will not tell you that Mr. Lasso runs a dry cleaning business in Poughkipsey and is a CIA operati....D'oh! Uh, I mean, he does a really good job with white dress shirts. Yeah, dress shirts. He breaks their necks...I mean, really knows how to press them out. Wait, no, uh, he's really good with my delicates. Yeah, delicates. Wait, he runs the jewish deli over on Pico, the one I always meant to go to. Aw fuck. He's gonna have to drop some plates on my ass now.
Delete this!
posted by Circe @ 11:07 PM
15 comments
15 Comments:
Beeyyaatch!!!!
Now is your fish Jewish or is this some other guy?
No, my fish isn't jewish. My fish's name is Godfrey. Named after Godfrey the sickly unemployed amateur children's magician. Michael named him. I posted about him twice and now blogger has eaten it. Damnit. I don't know what they had against that post, but it's gone. Mr. Lasso was a name that Brendon used in a dream of mine. I'm still not quite sure what that means...of course, now that I've put it in the comments section, this post will disappear too. ARG!
Mr. Lasso speaketh: I think we know where the nickname came from. Indeed it generated from the very center of my being, the center of everyone's being... the crotch, the oomphalos of birth, death, pissing and shitting. As for the relevence herein; let's just say I'm long and slender in more ways than one...
I mean, c'mon, the meaning is so clear.
Let us remember that I didn't use the name in a dream of yours; you supplied the name to my image in your dream. Very important distinction.
Now pardon me this, my many minute Mamet marmot moment:
What is this?
What? This...
Yeah what the, the fuck is this?
I don't...
You don't know, fucking thing...
What... fucking thing is...
It's one of those umm... what
what?
what? I don't know
fucking thing, look at that...
dog?
dog?
dog? yeah... it's
the fuck you saying?
dog... like a uh... tiny
Ain't a fucking dog...
dog... you sure...
Yeah, it ain't no fucking little dog...
well... it kind of...
no. ain't a dog at all, it ain't a dog
oh... maybe it's a dog, but it's deformed or something...
shut up, it ain't a fucking dog, what...
like radiation or something, contaminated sewage or something
what? sewage is always contaminated...
no..
no?
No, raw sewage is just human waste, and this little dog got some in his eyes, he was eating...
so his legs shrunk, and his mouth got tiny and his teeth grew...
he's a small dog to begin with...
what? small?
so he didn't have far to deform...
didn't have far? fucking deformity, like a distance to go?
yeah, he didn't have a long distance to go?
it ain't a fucking dog? it ain't a fucking dog...
but, like a tiny dog
no, what was that?
fucker barked at us...
wasn't a fucking bark...
yep, a bark, you know like a tiny bark...
no! no fucking tiny bark or anything!
like a tiny dog!
no! for fuck's sake, it ain't a fucking dog!
it just barked...
wasn't a bark at all...
it barked, like really...
it wasn't a bark, no fucking bark sounds like that
it barked though, just high pitched like a big ummm
it, it wasn't a fucking bark or anything...
a big bird squawking, an eagle kind of
a fucking eagle!
a... kind of...
fucking eagle, shit...
kind of like a squawk...
you never heard a fucking eagle...
some sort of bird, some... squawk squawk
eagle! fuck! it ain't a dog or an eagle...
I didn't... not an eagle... just squawk and made me think of eagles...
eagles fucking screech.. loud...
squawk... screech... loud? really?
Fucking tear your face off with their fucking claw things...
loud, never seen an eagle... heard them on some tv show or movie or...
screeching the whole time tearing...
Robert Redford...
nose gone, fucking eyes clawed right out, fucking Redford?
I guess it was a screech, who else...
Fucking Robert Redford? What?
Some hot chick...
Some hot chick fucking Robert Redford? Who?
No, she took her top off in that movie, like a mountain stream or something, naked, like big tits...
What the fuck are you talking about?
an eagle in the background and she gets into the nature mood and takes her top off, jumps in the stream...
Eagles fucking screech!
Yeah, it was a screech...
Loud...
Maybe she took her shirt off after the stream, cause of it being wet...
Who?
The Redford there, with the eagle...
Carrying an eagle?
She should watch out, like you said, those claws, and her tits just hanging out there...
Whose tits?
Redford like fucking her by the mountain stream and then music, like soft sensitive music, but big, like moutains and violins and eagles...
Eagle? Tits?
Probably symbolic or something...
What?
Symbolic?
Yeah, you said symbolic, and...
yeah, symbolic, like the violins like they meant some... and the mountains and the river flowing down between the peaks, and the eagle squawking...
screeching, they don't squawk...
this was a quiet eagle...
and so this is a movie...
that's it, and it is all symbolic of...
eagles tearing tits and faces off?
No, symbolic of Robert Redford fucking some hot wet big-tit bitch in a meadow... and the eagle screeched and the fucking scene was done...
the scene with Robert Redford fucking big-tits?
yeah, the eagle cut the scene.
maybe it was going to attack, saw those fat titties hanging there, and got hungry...
Eagles eat tits?
Could if they wanted. They don't see a lot of'em for a while, they'd get all hungry for some tits...
I can relate with eagles then...
yeah, any fucking man'd tell you the same thing... fucking hungry for tits...
Fucking squawk squawk and chomp...
They fucking screech, damnit...
yeah, like this thing here, right, squawk squawk squawk...
fucking thing just keeps on screeching like that...
won't shut up...
but it's not a fucking little deformed dog, or and eagle looking to eat tits, alright...
what is this then?
I don't fucking know...
oh, I know no...
yeah?
it's one of them pumas!
puma?
yeah one of them!
puma?
yeah, a
puma?
like a puma cat!
puma?
yeah with those big teeth and squawking!
fucking puma!?
ready to attack...
a fucking puma?!
yeah, sleek cat attacks things!
a fucking puma!? a what are...
Yeah, jungle cat!
We are not in the fucking jungle!
escaped from a zoo!
Fucking puma! Do you know how big a fucking puma is?
maybe it's hungry?
a fucking puma? You are a sad and stupid fuck, aren't you?
What?
if it's fucking hungry, and it's a puma, you're a fucking dead man...
What?
And they're fucking cats, they don't screech or squawk...
like that eagle?
Purr, roar, big fucking meows...
man, I bet a hungry puma would eat some nice fleshy tits, huh!
What?
Like that eagle in the Redford big titty scene?
What the fuck, do you...
Fucking puma eating tits while Redford fucks her...
Ouch, you fucking perv...
People'd want to watch that movie...
no, not...
Gotta keep the eagle in the background...
What the...
It's like America!
Not...
Like Robert Redford fucking a big-titted woman in a meadow next to a river while a puma eat her tits and an eagle lands on Redford's shoulder to get a close up, let's out a big squawk...
it... screech... you dumb fuck...
Violins rising to a climax, camera pans up the mountaintops, which are like symbols for something else and then it fades out...
What a fucking...
Except right before it fades out, you catch a glimpse of this little thing here...
Why?
just in the corner of the scene, or standing on top of one of the mountains like a little something or whatever...
You're directing Redford films now?
Just some ideas...
Yeah, keep it that way...
I just would like to get more nature back in films...
Yeah, big goal...
They're all about those little talkie phones and computers and shit now...
Talkie phones?
Eagles are cooler...
Cellular?
Squawk squawk squawk, yeah...
tearing big tits off women?
no that was just one idea from the Redford film...
oh, that's good..
yeah, cellular talkie phones...
not much of a market for eagles pulling women's jugs off in movies...
get back to nature, eagles, pumas, deformed dogs...
very hard to train an eagle to claw a woman's tits off...
meadows and mountains and streams and this little guy, whatever he is, on top of a mountain.
I suppose someone can do it, someone will like it...
Robert Redford fucking... eagles and pumas and deformed dogs... the stream just...
Shit some people like those porn films where people actually eat human shit.
yeah that would be a good nature movie...
coprophiliacs, they call'em..
what?
shiteaters. fucking people while they take a shit, smearing shit on people they're fucking...
what?
they fucking love shit, being covered in human shit...
you made this movie, with shit?
No! I haven't made any fucking shit movie...
Oh, but then...
I was just saying people like weird shit...
human shit?
Yeah, there are people out there who get all hot and wet just thinking about letting people shit in their mouths...
not animal shit?
What?
for like my nature movie...
What nature?
with the eagle and the Robert Redford and the tits...
just shut up, already, damn...
maybe the puma could be sexually excited by eating the eagle shit!
NO! stop, you fucking freak...
Then the woman wouldn't get her tits eaten, because the puma would be distracted...
just shut up, o.k.!?
The deformed tiny dog already ate the sewage and got deformed so he actually gets off on eating shit too...
No...
No, wait, the deformed dog eats shit and get more and more deformed, and then gets more and more powerful the more shit he eats...
Shut...
So, he eats the puma shit and get bigger and bites off Robert Redford's dick and starts fucking the big titty girl and....
What are you...
And, he fucks her so hard that she shits, and meanwhile the puma and the eagle have been feasting on the corpse of Robert Redford, the deformed, but powerful, dog eats the woman's shit...
Stop this shit...
So, later, around the campfire, where they are roasting the remains of Robert Redford, the three creatures, now fast friends, have a big shit party and the dog eats it all and get more and more powerful...
You're a pathetic...
And since the puma and eagle have shit out Robert Redford, the dog starts to get oddly handsome and rugged looking...
Fucking unbelievable...
Now, he's got like this huge, deformed, but powerful , dog cock and the three friends spend the rest of the movie waiting in alpine meadows for unsuspecting, drunk teenagers to go there and start fucking, and they just get more and more powerful with their shit and tit eating and fucking strangers and eating them and eating their shit and then shitting them out and eating that too, and the dog gets more and more powerful...
Frickin' unbelievable, where...
Then the army notices that buxom teens across America are taking trips to alpine meadows and not returning...
Stupid, fucking stu...
So they start an investigation and realize that the nation's sewage resevoirs are also being drained, all they have for evidence is massive, deformed, dog prints and the loud squawk of an eagle on surveillance tapes...
Sounds like a Bruce Willis movie...
Then the dog, puma and eagle, have to flee as they are being attacked by the army, navy, air force, marines, the coast guard and US postal service all at once. They are forced to survive on port-a-potty cocktails and the occasional aspiring model slash actress that they pick up on Hollywood Boulevard.
Please, don't...
but, here's the twist... the puma is gay!
Just.... What!!!
Yeah! Gay puma...
And......
He's a puma and he's gay!
What!!
Gay jungle cat!
What the fuck...
get it?
What?!
Get it?
No! What the fuck!
Yep! It's a gay puma!
But...
The whole time, the puma was gay!
But...
You didn't see it coming, did ya?
But, what...
I know it just makes everything so iconic!
What, but?
The dog, he's straight but bent by his deformity...
Ironic?
What?
Ironic...
Yes! So ironic!
This doesn't make any sense.
Because it's ironic, like you said.
But...
and ironic means, it doesn't make sense, right...
no...
but, here's the catch, it does make sense! it does!!
No! There is nothing in that whole fucking scenario that...
Let me explain, Robert Redford is dead, he died fucking the perfect American alpine big-titted woman, he was killed in nature by nature, symbolic of nature killing man by castrating him, literally and figuratively, with its razor-sharp sewage-deformed dog teeth, and then an eagle shits, and when an eagle shits, he is shitting out America, because, aside from big-titted, shirtless wet women in alpine meadows getting fucked by Robert Redford, nothing is more American than the eagle, or the eagle shitting, that's why eagles only live in America, because they know, intuitively, that they are symbolic of America, so they feed off each other, and then the puma enters the scene and he brings his cat-like cunning and his cat-like quickness and his cat-like quick reflexes to help his shit-eating and tit-eating friends, and they go on a rampage, but is it really a rampage? Is it? I say, no, it is not! Because, what are they doing, but actually going around and eating America's shit! They are surviving and thriving on human waste, just like the mighty tapeworm. They get more and more powerful as America produces more and more shit, and then, just as you are starting to see through the murder and the meyhem and the shit-eating deformed animals, the puma kisses the eagle full on the mouth, with tongue, and the movie comes full circle!
What! You still make no fucking sense!!
Yes! It's perfect.
A movie isn't just resolved because one of the deformed animals in it is gay!
Why?
You can't just have all this build-up and all those tits and castrations and sewage depleteions and armed services chase scenes, and then just end it all because the puma is gay!
It makes perfect sense to me.
Because you are a fucking idiot, my friend!
Or do you just not understand the term "ironic"?
I understand it perfectly! If the Puma was a minister in the Southern Baptist church, and then came out as gay but continued to rail against the sins of homosexuality all the while eating shit and disemboweling prostitutes and French kissing male eagles, there would be irony there?
Yes, but would it be ironic? Hmmm?
What!?
Would it be ironic?
Yes, you worthless fuck! Irony means ironic!
Really?
It's the same fucking word, essentially...
Or do you just not understand it, essentially?
Fuck off!
Hey, let's not fight, just because you don't understand my great American movie!
No one will understand it. Well, perverts will, only because they want to see the shit-eating and the tits.
Exactly, so it will be nearly the same as every Hollywood film! What's to not love?
Yeah, you're probably right there... people eating shit and women flashing their tits...
Thanks, I feel like you understand me now...
No, I don't know a fucking thing about you or this fucking creature here...
Oh, yeah, I remember what it is now!
Why didn't you tell me?
Just wrapped up in the movie.
Oh.
But it's a good movie.
Yeah, sure, whatever...
I'll have to contact Robert Redford...
Hey!
What?
This thing? What is this?
What? This...
Yeah, what the fuck is this?
Oh, yeah, I remember now!
And...
It's a marmot.
A marmot?
Yep, a marmot.
Oh. O.K.
Yep, a gay marmot.
Christ, Brendon, get a profile and picture. We know it's you. You're not fooling anyone, even the dim witted Wisconsinites that read this blog.
Jesus Mr. Lasso - that was a lot of work. Very nice. I did laugh...way too much to admit. You do know that they monitor sites for appropriate content. Maybe that's why they keep deleting my posts. Too much filthy poo talk. I agree with henry - formerly known as patrick - here, I think you need to get an ID.
They don't fucking monitor these sites for anything, except for mention of dirty bombs, like the ones behind your furnace in the basement....
Just because I make mention of your plans to destroy certain government buildings, doesn't mean that they see it.
I mean, hey, if you want to asassinate the president, or blow up a container ship in a busy port, be my guest. I'm not stopping you...
Hope you liked the play; you can be guaranteed that I've got the market cornered on coprophiliac deformed animals eating Robert Redford and tits plays. I'm sure there will be an anthology on day and that play will be chapter one, and you folks will get to say that you read it first...
Besides, if you saw that actually done as a play, you would shit yourself with laughter...
Then a deformed dog would come and lick your shit-stained asses for you, but watch yourself, this dog looks vaguely like Robert Redford and is dangerously well-hung...
Kind of like that dog I met downtown, behind the dinner theater place. Wait, he looked like Fred Gwynn.
Damn this chair is uncomfortable....
The trash goes out on a Tuesday now. Dismemberment Plan, "Spider in the Snow"
I fucking love the dismemberment plan. A few years ago I bought Change, and within a week, I had purchased the other three albums. So sad they broke up...
Wonder what Mr. Mamet has to say about that...
Dismember? Like cutting...
Yeah, hacking off limbs...
Really.
Yeah, pretty awesome...
No. Never heard of them.
They were a band.
A band named "Dismemberment...
"Plan" Yeah
Dismemberment plan.
Yeah.
The band name?
Yeah, fucking awesome right?
The name?
Yeah, and...
Cause it's just a name...
the band.
Lots of weird band names.
Yeah, but this was good...
I know, good name.
But...
Lots of good band names.
But, this was a band...
Doesn't imply that the...
No, no! They were awesome!
The dismemberment plan?
Yeah!
Awesome?
Right! Fucking...
Good band?
Yeah!
O.K. Why did you...
Lots of good songs...
Obviously...
Lots of really good fucking songs, like...
Obviously, you already...
Onward, Fat Girl; Time Bomb...
You know, I fucking assume that...
Ohhh! And the best fucking...
If you say the band is good...
This one song called...
It seems pretty clear...
Shit! What's that fucking...
I assume that if you say...
Really fucking great fucking song!
If you say...
Ohh man! What a fucking...
If, that, the fucking band...
This song! Fucking kick your ass kind of song!
If the band is good, then it follows...
What's that fucking song!??
Probably good songs too...
Fucking great songs! That one!
I mean you rate a band...
"Fine, Mom! How's Washington!"
Your not fucking looking...
"Fine, Mom! How's Washington!"
You're not judging them on fucking hair size or...
"FINE, MOM! HOW'S WASHINGTON!"
Cocks or something, right?
FINE, M...
Shut up! Stop saying that!
It's a great fucking song!
What the fuck was with the "how's Washington" shit?
It's in that song!
The really great song? That you can't...
Right, can't fucking remember the song..
But it's good?
No! It's fucking great!
O.K., I...
Fucking Great Song!!
I...
What the fuck is it called?
You know it doesn't really matter...
Arrggghhh.... what is it... Fine, Mom! How's...
Washington. Right.
The fucking song title!!!
Why don't I just accept...
I can't fucking remember it! Ahhhhh!
I believe you, you know...
Great fucking song!
Right, I believe you, so why don't we...
I just want you to know the name!
Why?
Cause it's a great fucking song!
Right, but why does that matter?
Because you have to hear this song!
Right. Fine. But if I don't know the name...
I don't know the name!!
Right. Fine, fine, fine... listen if I don't know the song name, it won't matter... that's what I'm saying...
It's like snow-something-something or something else...
It doesn't change my opinion of a song I've never heard...
Or something about champagne or something...
From a band I've never heard...
"fine, mom, how's
washington, right, let's just call it that...
That's not the title...
It's o.k. I believe you.
Great fucking song...
Right, great fucking song, I believe you...
They are a great fucking band...
Right, I believe you...
Were.
Were?
Yeah.
Were?
Yeah.
Were?
Yep.
Were?
Yeah.
I mean what do you mean?
Oh. The Dismemberment Plan.
Right.
They broke up.
Huh.
Fucking sucks.
Yeah. Sure.
Fuck! And now I can't remember the song name! Fuck!
Did they break up in the 80s?
What?
Cause there was this band called The Cutting Crew then...
No, couple years ago...
Thought maybe they became the Cutting Crew.
Huh?
Just a joke. Dismemberment Plan then the Cutting Crew... like with Slash on guitars...
That's Guns -n- Roses, man...
Right, I know...
Everyone knows that!
Right, I was...
Fucking Slash was in G -n- R...
Right, I was just, ummm... just making...
You're joking right?
That's it. Joking.
Dismemberment Plan broke up like in 2003 or something like that.
Well, it was in their plan right?
What?
Like they foretold... like a self-fulfilling prophecy?
What the fuck are...
You know. The name.
The didn't foretell anything... what the...
Get it? The Dismemberment Plan?
What?
Get it?
No. Get what?
The Dismemberment Plan?
I mean I get their music...
No, their name, it was like a fortune teller...
What?
The Dismemberment Plan?
Yeah, but...
They broke up?
And...
They followed the "plan" and "dismembered" the band...
Plan?
Just in the name...
But...
They were fucking called the dismemberment plan, and then they dismembered by breaking up! That's all I'm fucking saying, playing with words... fuck...
Oh...
Later on their body parts were found scattered through the city...
What?
layed out as if according to some elaborate scheme or...
Plan? Oh... I get it...
Just joking...
Oh...
Listen, do you want to go down to Harvard Square or something tonight?
No, too fucking cold...
It's not so bad...
Too fucking icy...
alright, man...
Yeah.... the cutting crew, that's funny...
I have flagged your blog for objectionable content.
Scott M. Rosenhough, III
General Counsel
National Puma Anti-Defamation League
I have flagged your blog for objectionable content.
- Robert Redford
(PS - I'm glad I'm still thought of as rugged.)
I have flagged your blog for objectionable content.
- Sanborn Sanderson
Lead Attorney, IFFI
International Federation of Fecal Ingestors
I have flagged your blog for brave attempts to resist and Mamet-obsessed loon.
George W. Bush
Assistant to the Vice President
United States of America
So, was that the car talk guys in a David Mamet play? I did finally have a chance to read the whole thing. I get it! It's funny. No, for real, it's funny. So, when's MY play going to be done?
No, it wasn't the Car Talk guys...
That's the joke, the song, which truly is fucking awesome and to which I am listening at this very moment, is "The Ice Of Boston" off The Dismemberment Plan Is Terrified. See, one guy can't remember the title, and, -wink, wink- they're in Boston (Cambridge, at least), and -wink, wink, wink - it's icy...
Oh, the hilarity. Not a joke many people will get, but it made for a fun, quick play, what the fuck could you expect for 50 minutes of writing...
The moment in the song where he screams, buck naked, drenched in champagne, into his phone, "Oh fine Mom, how's Washington?" is a beautiful, odd, Freudian catharsis.
Who did the "George Bush" anonymous post above? 'Twas not I.
I'll write your play as soon as I get a free hour.
You'll be great in it; you get to be an undersexed, isolated telemarketer. You'll get to talk seductively! You'll get to cry on stage! You'll get to be a Pavlovian creature. If I could get you into some sort of weird S&M costume, I'd probably do that too, but that would be a stretch for the play, and there will be kids in the audience...
I'll probably write it to you as an email. I write better that way.
Ending the tyranny of blank pages.
Ann's birthday today.
She's two years older than me now.
Ran today.
Play went well.
Random thought.
I'll try to write more plays for you after I sleep tomorrow.
I've got about 15 of them in my head.
Fuck the fear of success.
Fuck the fear of creativity.
Fuck it.
Loves to you, little dancer woman.
To bed.
out.
You know, I still stand by those plays as pretty damn strong, stream of consciousness writing that actually sort of work as comedies.
This was right before I wrote "Call Girl"...
Post a Comment
<< Home